Honky Tonk Cowboy by Mister Muster (aka Stan Clear)

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Leaving Noonamah, 26-6-11

   The truck was set up right next to the toilet/shower block for the caravan park. The park was booked out with rodeo visitors. Someone must have flushed a football or something because the pipes started to back-up and began spewing stinky water out the back of the block toward the truck. I built a small levy to keep it at bay while we packed down the Retreat. Pong Lake slowly expanded under the sun but we avoided getting bogged.
   And so, with tears in our eyes and pegs on our noses, the 3 super handsome ambassadors of goodwill wave farewell to Darwin and head south to spread a little more joy and wonder to those who visit our establishment…


  • Best quotes in NT
            –    Manu: ‘I couldn’t live here, but I don’t wanna leave.’
      Ben: ‘We’re not here to f*** spiders.’
      Paul: ‘It’s my shout, isn’t it?’


Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Noonamah Rodeo, 26-6-11 (2)

   This year’s ‘feature bull’ is Rocksalt – one tough lookin’ brahman. You’d need Kevlar teeth to eat a steak sandwich made from this beast. He exploded out of the gate and threw the rider in about 1 second. The cowboy didn’t have a chance, eating dust then running for cover as the 2 rodeo clowns tried to coax Rocksalt into the pen. The bull wasn’t having any of it. He turned quickly from left to right with a ‘come on, I’ll have ya’ expression in his eyes. The clowns eventually got him back to his trailer for a rubdown and cocktails.

 ROCKSALT






The XXXX Angels, Noonamah Rodeo

   We should have had a loud breakfast, eating loud food and talking about loud things loudly next to the guy asleep on the lounge at the backpackers. The poor chap must have been all tuckered out after talking at the top of his voice till 5am. It didn’t bother me too much; I was only woken up every 4 minutes!! There was so much mess on the tables around the BBQ, there was not space enough to stub out a cigarette. Come to think of it, there wasn’t any cigarettes left in the world anyway – they were all jammed into the leftover food. The carnage attracted a certain type of fly – most had tattoos, eye-patches and tiny leather vests with ‘eat shit’ sewn on the back.
We decided to spend our last night in Darwin in swags on the truck at Noonamah.

   After rodeo night 2 the band played and the bar stayed open till 1am. It wasn’t raining and nobody sprayed beer on my camera but this was captured at the height of crowd excitement.





Monday, 27 June 2011

Noonamah Rodeo, 25-6-11 (1)


   On the outside wall of the dunnies in the beergarden is a mural ‘Where the f*** is Noonamah?’ The jukebox plays non-stop country tunes. I manically scribble the names of the singers in my notebook to get hold of for the play-list on the truck.    
   Noonamah consists of a pub, roadhouse, caravan park and rodeo arena all owned by Tony. Technically he is the King, Lord Mayor and entertainment director of Noonamah. He tells us the spot to park the Retreat between the grandstands and hay bales. This small cluster of buildings surrounded by horizon scrubland gives no illusion of the crowds that will attend. We set up the Retreat in relentless sun, free from any ocean breeze or shade. My 5 dollar straw cowboy hat comes in real handy. Manu gets a jug of ice water from the bar and there is a bunch of ants swimming around the ice cubes. ‘She’ll be right, mate,’ says Ben. One can only assume the poor critters were munching on the last of the dry beer and the bar-lady thought it was a clean jug. Last I checked, live ants weren’t an option in a post-mix gun.
   The event is Friday and Saturday evening after sundown. As the people roll in and before proceedings start I humbly play a few country tunes, not really knowing what goes on. I test Damo’s mike with an old gag – ‘This guy walks in to a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, you have to help me. Every night when I go to sleep I dream I’m a cowboy.” The doctor says, “How long has that been going on?” The guy says, “About a YEEE-AARR!”’

   Water sprinklers rain on the arena to keep the dust down. The smell of agitated cattle and horses in pens changes to barbequed cattle on hotplates depending on wind direction. Surely a bull’s irritation is increased by a whiff of its grilled cousin. Tara sings the national anthem then the Ro-J starts – introducing the riders with loud re-mix doof. They run out through smoke machine clouds and line the centre of the arena. So much for my idea of playing a few nice country tunes for the audience – each ride is accompanied by fully-revved music and commentary. 
   The XXXX Angels circulate through the crowd carrying small white buckets to collect donations for Angelmans disease – a genetic disorder that affects children. Treatment is only available overseas.








Sunday, 26 June 2011

Darwin, 16 to 26-6-11 (6)

NT Times - Front page headline example 2:
MAN HIT BY FLYING BOAT
26 Jun 2011  Sunday Territorian   By MEAGAN DILLON


    SLASHED BY PROPELLER IN ‘HORRIFIC’ CRASH A MAN is lucky to be alive after he was hit by the propeller of a boat as it flew over his own boat at a Top End fishing spot yesterday.

[St Johns Ambulance operations manager Craig Garraway] said the pair were setting crab pots from their boat at Saltwater Arm near the mouth of the Adelaide River — 30km east of Darwin — about 10am. Another boat came around the corner at speed and slammed into the stationary boat.
‘‘It went straight over the top,’’ Mr Garraway said…

…[T]here was a lot of traffic on the water at the time of the crash, which probably contributed to the accident…

Okay, get the picture? I don’t want to miss a thing and must subscribe immediately.
The heavyweight article about ‘Sampson’, Australia’s most obese pet, is a winner. The Labrador bends the scale needle to 85kg. “He is too heavy to be exercised. His bulging bloodshot eyes are the result of fatty tissue around his head as well as high blood pressure.”

   On the way to the Noonamah International Rodeo site, 43 kms south of Darwin, we stop at the Coolalinga servo so Ben can put a little fuel in the truck. 942.07 litres. $1477.31. Between the petrol station and the highway runs a section of pipeline.


The Amadeus Basin, 300 clicks west of Alice, to Darwin Mainline stretches 1513 km. One heck of a long tube carrying high-pressure natural gas. It’s probably just another day to be overwhelmed by big numbers as a quick look at cattle station sizes show this pipe runs through or alongside properties between 100 000 and 1 600 000 hectares, you know, the ones that take 2 days to drive to the front gate to check the letterbox.

  • We move from the Palms City Resort waterside, city-side digs to Frogs Hollow backpackers. 


Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Darwin, 16 to 26-6-11 (5)



  • A few words on the local rag, the NT News, and those words are AWESOME, ENTERTAINING and HILARIOUS. The NT News continues to scale the heights of tabloidism, refining its craft and not letting slanderous hearsay get in the way of a good story.

NT Times - Front page headline example 1:

PORN COP SACKED
NIGEL ADLAM   |  June 25th, 2011

   A POLICE officer has been sacked after being caught with pornographic photos on his work computer.
Police management refused to give details of the case. But spokeswoman Katie Fowden said the man had been fired after repeatedly breaking police rules.
She said reports that the officer had also been caught on CCTV cameras having sex with a police auxiliary on the bonnet of a car parked on The Esplanade in Darwin were "inaccurate".
Commander Colleen Gwynne, who is head of the police Ethical and Professional Standards Command, said: "The matter you refer to is an internal disciplinary matter, the details of which will not be provided."
A police source said the officer had photos of a naked woman on his computer at a police station.
"We believe the photos were of his girlfriend, but he was still sacked because that's not allowed.
"It was the final straw. He had breached discipline in many ways and management had just had enough of him."
The source said no complaint was ever lodged about the man having sex in public.
"Everybody talked about it but nothing was done."
Police Commissioner John McRoberts has vowed to fire officers guilty of serious disciplinary breaches, especially drink-driving.
 
This story, you might agree, is way too short. It ends just as the juicy issues of our law enforcement representatives are being broached. Especially drink-driving?

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Darwin, 16 to 26-6-11 (4)

The unwitting creation of DJ Pauly

   ‘Pauly! Pauly!’ 600 people chant for the prize. It takes a certain temperament to remain steady of hand as a crowd overpowers the decibels of racing cars. Where is mum and dad at this point? Maybe this was always meant to happen. A destiny not imagined for myself or the lucky prize-winners. Whoever jumps the highest or screams the loudest can be ‘the one’. Yes, you can have the ‘box-seat’ or the coveted ‘grid-walk’. Oh, the power. But with power comes responsibility – or, not responsibility exactly; a lot of laughs…
   A CCTV camera bracket was fitted back at Mansfield home-base. It holds the camera on the front of the bar trailer and can pan 360 degrees, tilt, zoom and such; controlled from the computer that plays the music and can be shown on the big screen on stage. An idea for its use is to zoom around the crowd and pick people to receive Gold-Class tickets for the upstairs bar on the Retreat or a photo-documented walk with the XXXX Angels at the start/finish line before the big race. Damo gets out on stage and sprukes the crowd with what’s at stake. The XXXX Angels logo is on screen while I scan the camera looking for a lucky punter. Bec is over my shoulder pointing out potential candidates. I switch the CC camera to the screen and the chosen person grabs a double pass. Fever pitch is achieved as Damo says that yelling and waving gives you a better chance – yelling the camera controller’s name, that is. Next thing 500 people are chanting as I’m fumbling with the controls between fits of laughter. So now, being the selector of ‘winners’, I can only go out in public wearing a large coat and fake plastic nose. Kirsty wants to get ‘Who is DJ Pauly?’ T-shirts made.

   Where was I? Oh yeah, the V8’s. A game to which I have recently returned. It’s been years since I never missed the Bathurst race – watching Moffat and Brock slog it out and Johnson was the new kid. Sponsorship was always there but branding was in its infancy. In merchandise alley there is a picture of a young Peter Brock in a white driving suit with just one name sewn on the right breast pocket under a southern cross – ‘Peter Brock’.
   Now brand names cover 90% of clothes making it a colourful sight indeed. You can’t tell the fans from the drivers. But hey, if you want to dress like your hero it must be heaps easier to throw on a Jim Beam polo shirt than impersonating Marilyn Manson before you leave home in the morning. It brings a smile to the face and warmth to the heart as you watch an extremely expensive production V8 whip past with a sign down the side that says ‘Supercheap Auto’.



Monday, 20 June 2011

Darwin, 16 to 26-6-11 (3)

  • They certainly don’t skimp on the nightly entertainment at the V8s. Across the paddock from the XXXX Retreat is a ‘Big Day Out’ sized mainstage. Saturday night is INXS. Sunday Bliss N Esso.


  • Between races the XXXX Angels perform – working hard in 30 degrees and burning sun. As Damo announces them to the stage, they walk out with armfuls of signed XXXX GOLD merchandise – stubby coolers, hats, posters, calenders, stickers and toss them to the cheering crowd like confetti. Dozens of iPhones capture nearly every angle of their energetic routines.


Saturday, 18 June 2011

Darwin, 16 to 26-6-11 (2)

  • What’s the difference between a religious person and an atheist who chants for their favourite team? I don’t know. Nothing? Maybe everyone just needs to belong to a club. Both have songs. Knowing the words to a beloved hymn or the Geelong Football Club song seems arbitrary. Whether you’re ‘fundamentally’ religious or a hardcore sports fanatic, you’re both equally primed and ready to get violently irrational at anyone rooting for the other team. HOWEVER! Such exaggerations do not take place at the V8 Supercars. Kids from 4 to 80 love the speed, the roar, the bike stunts, the drag racing, the stats, the truck parade through town, the fast food and of course the XXXX Angels. Friendly rivalry replaces scowls and fistfights over Ford v Holden. Car v car and ute v ute.


Our Father, which art in darwin,
hallowed be thy fuel.
Thy lap record come,
times will be done,
in perth as it is in darwin
Give us this day our daily re-treads.
And forgive us our inside passes
as we forgive them that inside pass against us.
And lead us not until the last lap,
but deliver us from the pits.
For thine is the fastest,
the power, and the horses,
for ever and ever.
(or sixty-nine laps)
          
 Ahem



  • The thought of attempting to perceive the Jesus ute racing for Christ in the town named after the guy who brought the theory of evolution to the fore is doing my head in.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Darwin, 16 to 26-6-11 (1)

   As quickly as we passed through places, and we camp in Darwin for 10 days, events now pass us like Murphy’s V8 in top gear. The only option is to ride each one for as long as you can keep hold. A daily tab of this blur seems fruitless. Perhaps point-form is best to deliver these, no doubt, witty and insightful analogies.

  • Darwin is usually chock-full of travellers year-round – be they international or grey-nomadics. This week the city is to capacity with workers and fans of the V8s. Families from QLD, Victoria and most of the Territory hit town.


  
MINDIL MARKETS EVERY THURSDAY

  • All pubs and bars are packed day and night. Most have live bands. If any of these bands need equipment they have to make the 20min journey to Casuarina Square – pretty much anything you need is available in Casuarina. Sporadic visits to these pubs after work make Darwin’s party vibe seem endless.

  • All footpaths lead straight through the next pub’s beergarden. You may be trying to walk home only to end up the middle of another Brazilian Mardi Gras – 21st bash – Grand Final – NYE commotion. ‘Oh well, might as well have another one while we’re here’ is yelled frequently.

  • Early nights are impossible. The excitement around the place combined with unexpected learning curves does not induce sleep.

  • Most people look like they go to the gym, but I can’t spot one – though I haven’t checked up stairs at the pubs. An easier thing to spot is the locals – like side characters in Easy Rider amongst a party-drunken Venice Beach.

  • British fellows are only allowed to challenge a bouncer for not letting them in until they’ve downed at least 60 pints and been ejected from a previous establishment.

  • I officially love NT – no dress regulations and 130 kmh speed limit.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Katherine to Darwin, Wed 15-6-11

   I checked the thesaurus and there isn’t a big enough word for ‘huge’ to describe the size of the guy’s breakfast at the next table. Amazingly the plate didn’t snap in half as he carried it from the buffet. ‘Filled a hole, did it, sir?’ the waiter said, clearing the spotless plate. ‘Central QLD Bauxite mine,’ I thought.

   Ben makes a three point turn at a T-junction next to the motel. In one go. Done. Sheesh, I have a hard enough time with a 6x4 off the back of the car.

   The ever present termite mounds decrease in number but increase in size on the approach to Darwin; the ‘high-rise’ mounds of the CBD in contrast to the ‘suburban-sprawl’ of their southern counterparts. A good camp fire story to scare the kids would be that each 4m high mound contains one giant termite…


   Hidden Valley racetrack, 20 kms south of Darwin city, is the next venue for the XXXX Retreat and host to this round of the V8 Supercars season. After entry-pass and safety talk shenanigans, we drive a complete circuit of the track to the gate where the truck can get in. On the way we pass a temp bar on a hill, its sign says ‘Shenanigans’. Aha. Ben swings the truck onto the hill in the centre of the track. From the top deck of the bar the view will take in most of the raceway. The space between a giant marquee and the hill dropping away is tight. Big Bad Ben positions the Retreat after a few goes only to be told that it has to go ‘4ft that way’. Much arm waving and a 900 point turn later it’s done. We couldn’t really tell who was in charge of co-ordination of Hidden Valley, but there were so many 2cents being thrown in we could’ve bought Buckingham Palace.



   We had all day Thursday to open the truck so we high-tailed it out of there to dump bags at our rock-star accommodation and take in some city sights through the bottom of an up-ended schooner glass. The Beachfront hotel is packed with punters ready for the second rugby league State of Origin game. QLD vs NSW and XXXX vs VB. PA speakers are set around the beergarden a very large TV screen faces the pub from across the road. At half time the XXXX GOLD ute tows a stage in front of the crowd and the XXXX Angels perform their ‘Kickstart’ routine. The Retreat has now been booked for the Origin ‘decider’ outside the casino in Townsville.





Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Alice Springs to Katherine, Tues 14-6-11

   The truck rolls out of Alice at 5.30am as the moon sets on the western horizon. 1180kms north to Katherine. As the sun rises, the western sky looks like a reverse spectrum to the colours developing from the east. Light to dark on the east and dark to light on the west.

   Welcome to Anmatjere country.

   No fences out here. Hundreds of termite mounds under a meter high almost outnumber the trees and bushes. They are curiously unaffected in colour by the controlled burning around many of them. North of Tennant Creek 2 buffalo pick at bushes next to the road. Flood damaged road is under repair by skeleton crews of graders and lollipop guys 150kms from the nearest town. Between Newcastle Waters and Daly Waters 4 monster tractors were mowing both sides of the road, a good 10m wide. Their work stretches for ages. A neat desert is a happy desert.

   One question raised during this drive has been, ‘what would you do if you lived way out here?’ One possible answer, if you’re within coo-ee of the highway, is – Open a Roadhouse!


   Low scrub gradually turns to trees as we approach the turnoff to Daly Waters. In the true spirit of human intervention, hawks adaptively circle above the road waiting for a car or truck to splatter kangaroo pedestrians. Vehicles travelling 130ish kmh that come in contact with the national emblem provide easy pickings for these ‘birds of prey’. Or are they anymore? Has a constant supply of roadside roo-mince stopped these hunters from earning an honest living catching the mice that have now become a plague in these parts? Allow me to start the rumour of the armies of mice herding innocent skippys across the blacktop to preserve their own tiny souls.

   276 kms south of Katherine and 7 kms off the highway is the oasis Daly Waters. Tiny. A few cabins amongst the tents of a campground, a shop, a petrol bowser, an abandoned house and of course the all important pub – the sign on the front alleges it to be the oldest in NT. And people everywhere. At first glance it looks to be 20 to a tent. Ben rolls the XXXX Retreat over the red dust and parks it next to the pub.


   The pub/antique display is famous for the hundreds of bras and knickers hanging from the ceiling like washing day at a Dutch brothel.



   Across from the pub is Chilli’s shop. Chilli is an ex-rodeo clown, bush poet, collector of knick-knacks (from umbrellas to helicopters) and merchant of various local souvenirs including his own cut wood pieces with burnt-in Aussie colloquialisms. The temptation is strong to open up the truck for all the people who come to look, crank the music and party on – but schedules and Katherine calls.











Finke Desert Race Day 3, Mon 13-6-11


   Congratulations Greg Gartner and Jamie Jennings who take the checked flag for the Buggies, their return leg – 226 km in 1hr and 54 min. The Kittle brothers second, Hicks and Braitling third.
   In the Bikes and Quads – Ben Grabham 1st in 2hrs, 2nd Jarrod Bewly, 3rd Ryan Branford.
   The decks of the XXXX Retreat gradually fill with the drivers and riders who need to wash down the dust with a cold-gold. It takes a good 4hrs for the competitors to cross the line. A unique thing about the Finke race is it’s not just high-end, sponsored drivers/riders – it’s open to anyone who registers. Competitors of all ages wander the grounds – some limping from that old knee or lower back thing, others wide-eyed from their first outing. The Finke vibe is regardless of competition levels. The thousands who camp along its route and the hundreds who cheer at the start/finish support, equally, those taking part in Australia’s largest dust-chewing endurance race.

                   Finke track announcer: ‘The greatest race in the greatest place’

   Immediately after the bar shuts and the crowds adjourn to various shindigs in town, the three of us pack up the truck like ninjas. Trying to get as much done before dark and the temperature drops.
   Some weird electrical issues back at the motel – that plastic thing you get from reception to shove in that slot next to the light switch in our room is, only today, cutting power from the wall sockets. If removed the power comes back but the air-con stops. The cruel choice becomes light versus warmth.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Finke Desert Race Day 2, Sun 12-6-11

 



   The dirt buggies line the start/finish straight like an organised Mad Max II. After the national anthem is sung at 7.30am, staggered starts last an hour.
   The desert track to Finke River is 226km south. An honest time for this endurance is 2hrs 5min, averaging 113kmh on the dust. A bunch of helicopters follow the cars and beam back footage to the big screens at Alice. The desert soaked every bit of water like a sponge. You’d never know it’d been raining for the last 3 weeks. The track goes through Ewaninga, Deep Well, Rodinga, Alice Creek, Bundooma, Engoordina, Mt Squires and Rumbalara. 5 check points and 3 fuel stops.
   As the ‘roll-bars and wheels with an engine somewhere’ head south, the XXXX Angels perform 4 dance routines and 2 meet-and-greets before the bikes kick off.





   Tomorrow the competitors will return through clouds of dust to determine a champion and perpetuate the ongoing, and sometimes heated, discussion of bike/car endurance.

   On the western edge of Alice, on the road to the West MacDonnell Ranges, is the grave and memorial to John Flynn. Flynn, amongst other things, started the Royal Flying Doctor Service. It was an inspired thought that day at the mint in paying tribute to a hero of the red-centre by depositing his face on the orange $20 note.










  

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Finke Desert Race Day 1, Sat 11-6-11

   Manu rocks up to breakfast wearing so many vests he looks like a ball with legs. Minus 2 overnight – the coldest night in Alice since 1964.
   Blue sky pre-dawn at Finke start/finish. The yellow grass is crunchy with frost. The dancing stage is covered in a layer of ice. The water we try and melt it with freezes instantly. Damo, the Angels tour manager, organises hot water to be ferried in buckets. I ask Kirsty, the dance captain, if they have an ice-skating routine.
   Crowds in beanies gather around drum-fires while the cars and bikes have time trials and qualifiers. Vicious hand-to-hand combat between the XXXX Angels and the Finke Grid Girls is narrowly avoided by… ah, who am I kidding – it was never going to happen anyway.
   Later at the motel bar, I walk up to Manu and say, ‘I have to go to hospital.’ He looks me up and down, concerned. ‘Are you serious?’ ‘Yeah, they don’t do cash out here and that’s the closest ATM.’ 

Friday, 10 June 2011

Alice Springs, Fri 10-6-11

   Reversing a trailer at the Finke set-up is easy – you just keep going until 8 people yell out ‘WHOOAA!!’ after the impact. As the three of us watched this happen a few tents away we also found out that it works for driving forward as well.
   Opening the Retreat took only a couple of hours. Setting up the surround-sound speakers, PA, line checks and swabbing the decks filled the rest of the day.
   Later, we tested our new reversing knowledge at the motel carpark.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Alice Springs, Thurs 9-6-11

   The rain has eased but the cloud cover seems eternal. Ben glides the truck through orange mud and narrow gates to our spot at the Finke start/finish line. We’ll just park it and get it level. Easy day. The Angels are making an appearance from 7.30 till 8pm tonight at Lasseters Hotel Casino. Sounds like a good spot for dinner.
   An important fact is discovered – you can go anywhere in Alice by taxi for 10 bucks.
   The casino takes 50 of Manu’s dollars quicker than the ATO. Mice dart around us in the beergarden. We hear stories of mice getting into hotel rooms that are not on the ground floor – are they catching elevators or something? Someone else described a sizable section of NT as not having a mouse plague but a ‘Mouse tsunami’. 

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Erldunda to Alice Springs, Wed 8-6-11

   Manu switched on the wall light at the head of his bed and the lights in Las Vegas dimmed for a second. I shielded my eyes and lunged for the sunblock. ‘What is that, a 1000 watt bulb?’
   Despite near-permanent retina damage we hit the road. The unknown smell of wet camel deterred us from a 90min ride available at Stuarts Well Camel Farm. Just before Alice Springs the odometer clocked 3000 kms – and we haven’t even reached the first venue yet.
   The ‘Retreat’ needed safe lodgings for the night. We can’t bump in to the Finke Race site till tomorrow. Ben parks the truck out front of Outback Vehicle Recovery. The owner is on 24hr call to do exactly his company’s description and providing a major incident doesn’t call him away he’ll keep an eye her while the three of us perform a much needed reconnaissance on the closest pub to our motel. Bojangles Hotel’s walls, side tables and ceiling are covered in almost everything used by humans in the last 150 years. In between these items animal skulls stare with dusty eye-sockets. A rack of water buffalo horns, a huge stuffed wedge-tailed eagle in full wingspan and a spear with a telescopic sight – too much to recall on one visit. Only on the way out I notice the well-worn horse saddle window seats.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Glendambo to Erldunda, Tues 7-6-11

   Passing a 62-wheeler (spares not included) road-train in the dark on a wet road is not as fearful as the stories I’ve been told. I was expecting to be brutally swerving off a single lane dirt road to avoid being crushed by a 15-trailer-truck as wide as a passenger liner. Concentration is necessary, as well as a firm grip on the steering while briefly switching the wipers to light-speed. Breathing is optional.


   Coober Pedy, hey, the town’s a little gem!
   A sign at the Northern Territory border advises the speed in NT is 110 kmh unless otherwise stated. Then, just behind the 110 sign is the 130 sign.
   Kulgera: the first and last pub in NT, population 15. I was chuckling at the ‘nightlife in Kulgera’ postcard – a totally black card.
   ‘Yeah, that’s pretty much it. See stars sometimes,’ says the girl behind the roadhouse counter.



   There’s plenty of room out here to run with your arms outstretched screaming ‘AAHHH’ for miles. Still no Optus reception.
   Erldunda roadhouse, fuel stop, souvenir shop, tavern, resort cabins and campground is the turnoff to Uluru. We score a backpacker/psych ward-style room, 3 single beds in a row, then take the Land Cruiser to the ‘Rock’ (2.5 hrs). We knew the famous Ayers Rock sunset would be denied to us because of the persistent old-school winter drizzle. It increases as we get closer – maybe we’ll have to walk right up to it to find it in the heavy rain, ‘Ah! Here it is!’
   $25 each park entry. We thought the world’s oldest stone would’ve been paid for by now. Or maybe they need it for the upkeep – it might be a dull white colour and they have to constantly repaint with those beautiful reds and browns.


   Even though the Rock had a hat of clouds it is beyond overwhelming. Down the side we got close to, Mala, dozens of waterfalls ran. The runoff created a sort of moat – but I do not want to belittle this behemoth and wonder of the world with castle comparisons. (Enough alliteration for everybody?)               Case in point – Go there!


   ‘Rock on.’ I said to the un-phased lady at the Ayers Rock supermarket (a few kms away, not in the Rock itself) after we purchased our dinner.
    Back at Erldunda we cooked up the sausages in our room right in front of the ‘please do not cook in rooms’ sign. I turned the snags while Manu and Ben kept numerous and bold mice from running at us through the open door. Later I saw a moth as big as my foot!










Monday, 6 June 2011

Mildura to Glendambo, Mon 6-6-11


   We leave Red Cliffs Motel, just south of Mildura, at 7am on our split-second timing run to northern South Australia. It’s all about ‘the Rock’ at this point, that is, we can’t drive so close to it and not go. 100kms later at the Victoria/South Australian border the truck blows a drive tyre. Just beyond the roadhouse there is a huge black arch over the highway that reads ‘Dunlop Tyres welcomes you to South Australia’. It was either cruel irony that we have a blowout next to a big Dunlop sign or 10kms back there was a representative of that company with a snipers rifle taking pot-shots at passing steel-belted radials.

 

   The chap working at the roadhouse gave Manu the number of a friend of his who would meet us anywhere with a spare tyre off the main track somewhere. Meanwhile, jammed into the urinal next to mine was an upside down roadwork witches-hat that looked to be a handy funnel for anyone with really bad aim. ‘Beware strangers bearing tyres’ we agreed, so after Ben wrestled on the spare wheel we rolled into Renmark to buy a new one from an actual tyre place.
   To Port Augusta Ben took the truck south-west to stay on major highways. Manu and I veered north-west through the scenic, windy roads of wine country. Beautiful in the hazy drizzle. Picture-book towns every few kms with well loved sandstone cottages, grapevines to the roads edge and small, un-ostentatious signs to world-famous wineries. The Land Cruiser crawled behind a few hundred sheep on the road the other side of Clare Valley.
   Across ever widening plains a distant factory smoke stack on the waters edge materialises out of the mist coming into Port Augusta. An eerie image and introduction to the expanses ahead. We pass a pulverised caravan on the side of the road 100ish clicks after Port A as the afternoon light fades. Ominous expectations were restored to normality with the ‘fish and chip’ confusion at the Glendambo Outback Resort bar…
   ‘… no we don’t have any fish for that.’
   ‘What about on the specials board?’
   ‘Yeah, that’s fine… but there’s no chips.’
   ‘On the board?’
   ‘No, on the menu. Just potato-bake.’
   ‘So I can’t get these fish and chips?’
   ‘There’s no fish… or chips.’
   ‘But there is on the board?’
   ‘Yep.’ …etc
Manu ordered fish and chips, I ordered lamb roast of the day that could have been beef. Manu said his crumbed prawn cutlets were okay. Ben lucked out, he arrived after the kitchen closed. We have to be on the road by 4am to make Uluru for the sunset.

Glendambo population,
-       sheep    22,500
-       flies      2,000,000
-       people  30


Sunday, 5 June 2011

Mansfield to Mildura, Sun 5-6-11


 

   The truck has been in dry dock for three weeks; opened up inside Crawfords warehouse for maintenance. Apart from the electrics, the mobile bar is built with heavy wood and solid steel or a combination of both. Repairs and upgrades are complete. Cleaning and packing began yesterday morning. A day and a half to close up the truck – longer than usual due to double-checks and last minute spot-welds. Ben hauls the truck, named the XXXX GOLD Retreat, out of the warehouse and we head for Mildura.


   The first event is the Finke Desert Race just outside Alice Springs. The truck has to be there by Wednesday so we’ll have to drive with precision timing if we want to have a sight-see of Ayers Rock, Uluru, on the way.
   We stop in Swan Hill for dinner – the fish burgers were not burgers as such, more a foot-long bun filled with a prize-winning snapper, a whole lettuce and 2 tomatoes. Manu and Ben’s minimum chips would have solved the potato famine. I am now judging this trip on the meaning of ‘minimum’…


Saturday, 4 June 2011

Mansfield, Victoria Sat 4-6-11

   Area once inhabited by several generations of bushrangers the likes of Ned Kelly and his tutor Harry Power. Now the home of Crawfords, the crew responsible for the creation of, initially, portable commercial kitchens – but now it seems, the inventors of any portable ‘you-name-it’.

   I exited the take-away with two hamburgers I could hardly lift off the counter and a minimum chips large enough for a family of six and nearly panicked because I could not immediately tell which 4WD was ours. 4WDs are not only numerous but necessary the further you get from a metropolis, proportionately so. It proved to be difficult to spot the 4WD we borrowed the day before as it sat camouflaged in a line of 20 other beasts. I think that’s the roo-bar… nah, wrong antenna. I wont mention that tiring and over-used whinge about 4WDs in the city – bugger it, I can’t help meself – you know, the ones about the ‘never been past Westfield shopping plaza let alone getting a skerrick of dust on it monster 4x4s in urban environments’. Surely the owners must know the large exercise in self-abuse they demonstrate as they reverse over 3 infants in the school parking lot before crushing old Mrs Simmons' cat as the blinkered-sighted Range Rover mum rushes little Siobhan to her 4pm lesson of whatever in a brave attempt to not only over-extend her daughter’s childhood and suppress her playtime but also chew 2 barrels of fossil fuel pushing an overweight-for-its-purpose automobile between red lights and peak-hour roundabout gridlocks.
   Ah, here it is. It must be ours because of all my personal and expensive equipment I left lying on the front seat with the doors unlocked; as you can in a great deal of places outside the city. No thieving bushrangers in sight. That’s progress, ay? It’s a decent drive back to a store that sells clublocks, kill-switches, car-alarms and sound systems with removable faces.
   Manu and I will follow and scout for the B-Double in this Toyota Landcruiser station wagon 1992 turbo diesel with over 520,000 kms already on the clock. ‘Yep, this’ll make Darwin,’ I think to myself as more dirt jams under my fingernails from under the door handle.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

25000kmsONaMOBILEBAR withDANCERS !

   ‘Please welcome to the stage … Tara, Jess, Nikki, Ebony, Michelle, Kirsty and not forgetting Katie. All part of the greatest show on wheels – Here they are, Your XXXX Angels.’
   I hit the button and the dancing starts. I have only recently discovered the secret enjoyment that lightly touching a computer space bar initiates such activity. One button. Professional dancers. Paul, I hear you ask, how can I get a job such as this? Well, to do this involves saying ‘yes’ to everything. Not saying yes to a few things now and then or to only certain aspects of life: be it work or love etc. Neither does it mean asserting the affirmative to almost everything – but everything.
   However, even after years of furious nodding, the last step needed to involve oneself in the world of the XXXX Angels required turning down an alternate well paid and high profile job… Yes, it took a single ‘No’. And that’s that.

   The four main characters of this pan-Australian tour are Manu (project manager), Ben (driver), Paul (a/v operator) and a kick-ass bright yellow B-Double semi-trailer that transforms into a two-level wild-west bar with stage, enormous TV screen and beer garden.

                          

   From June till October 2011, this XXXX GOLD promotional vehicle will travels over 25,000 kms from Mansfield in Victoria to Alice Springs, Darwin, Townsville, Mount Isa, Bathurst, Phillip Island and other destinations for events such as V8 Supercars, international rodeos, horse races and dirt car rallies.
   Subjects covered in this journal include driving ridiculously long distances, eating, towns, pubs, accommodation, bathrooms, crowds, cleanups, locals (past/present), food and potentially handy tips.